Recirculating Cheese

blk reminded me that this thing is still on. LJ is where I used to post actual thoughts, that I might not want to share with relatives, distant school friends, distant cow-orkers, Zuckerberg, etc. In fact, I haven't posted since importing everything from LJ to DW. (I still have my LJ account, as do, it appears most of you. Is that something I should do something about? I decided not to cross-post this to LJ; does anyone still do that?)

Anyway, the topic of the day is Dry July. Francie mentioned last week that she wanted to try not drinking this month, and, y'know, I'm sick enough of my own shit to give it a try. Alcohol has been my Problematic Friend since I was a teenager, and while I'm not physically addicted, it's a strong habit of long standing. And it's had some undesirable side-effects in the last several years. Sure, I can titrate it so that I'm rarely significantly impaired (at least by my own judgement), and it's been ages since I've been barfing drunk. But even at lower levels, it interferes with long-term memory formation, so that e.g. I can have a perfectly lucid conversation, but not remember that it even took place the next morning. And that's some shit that should scare me more than it apparently does, because I keep doing it. I've also had low (for me) sexual function, e.g. with new partners, where I should be horny as fuck. This could just be me being a middle-aged dude, but it seems worth trying to separate the effects. There's also the thought that this might help me lose a peristent 15lb, which would make me faster, having less ass to haul. (Appeal to my vanity and competitiveness, if it will help.)

The problem is that the first drink makes the second seem like SUCH a good idea. And the second drink makes the third seem like an excellent idea. After that, you're just topping off the third drink...

Anyway, it's a strong habit, but Precision Nutrition taught me about changing habits, specifically interrupting the mindless action. I just want to drink more mindfully, but it starts with delaying taking that first drink until August. Actually, I carved out an exception for July 4th, and noticed (mindfully) that it really wasn't doing much for me. Hopefully I can keep that in mind going forward.

Between Gemini, Vonnie, moving my mother-in-law to Assisted Living, and other recent developments, I've been circling back to the Five Remembrances. (My tweak of Thich Nhat Hanh's translation):

1. I am of the nature to grow old. I cannot escape growing old.
2. I am of the nature to have ill-health. I cannot escape sickness and injury.
3. I am of the nature to die. I cannot escape death.
4. Everyone and everything I hold dear is of the nature to change. I cannot escape being separated from them.
5. My actions are my only true possessions. My actions are the ground on which I stand. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions.

People who don't understand Buddhism look at things like this and say, "ugh, what a morbid religion, always fixated on suffering and death." But really, it's about seeing things exactly as they are, not as we want them to be. Because if you're only seeing things as you want them to be, you're looking through this filter that distorts your perception, and has blind spots, so you're continually surprised and dismayed when the universe refuses to bend itself to your will. So Buddhism takes a clear-eyed look at the human condition, which includes suffering and death, as well as pleasure and birth.

Like most Buddhist teachings, this encapsulates all other Buddhist teachings, especially the Three Marks of Existence: impermanence, dukkha (suffering or unsatisfactoriness), and non-self.

But what I really want to talk about right now is Attachment, because it's also part of this teaching. What do we mean by Attachment? Attachment differs from the normal sorts of attraction and bonding in that it has the sense of getting Stuck. We're stuck on a person, or a thing, or a situation, but everything in life is impermanent, so when the person changes (and death is a form of change), or the situation changes, we're still stuck on how it was, or how we want it to be, and we suffer.

The flip side of the coin (which, by the way, is the same coin) is Aversion - the fear of getting what you don't want, the fear of not getting what you do want. You see how that's just another form of attachment - attachment to a desired outcome. And that leads to more suffering

So if attachment is the problem, non-attachment is the solution. But here's where it gets subtle. We're not talking about DEtachment. We're not trying to extinguish all desires, although some people still try that. [Insert reference to Simon & Garfunkel's "I Am A Rock".] We call that "being a stone Buddha", and it's a form of selfishness that leads to indifference, and that's the exact opposite of the compassion we're trying to cultivate. So not DEtachment, but non-attachment.

Non-attachment doesn't mean you don't care, rather you don't get stuck. Note that this isn't fatalism, where shit just happens. You can still fight like hell to keep people alive, to keep your job, to affect the next election, whatever it is. But win or lose, you have to "pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again."

[Followed by a vamp that brilliantly ties this into what we actually do in the Buddhist Meditation Group. Because meditation gives us the space to slow down, to respond rather than react. Ultimately, we're trying to get that clarity of vision, where we can see things exactly as they are, and to be able to help other people with their suffering. Always put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others.]

Someday I'll get back to doing regular updates. For now, random thoughts, not even the most important ones.

I gave blood at Arisia. I usually give to Children's Hospital, but since they moved their collection from Sunday to Friday, and since we had a hella time getting to the hotel (fuck you very much, Auto Show, on top of normal rush-hour traffic), I gave on Saturday to Mass General. But that's not the point of this, which is when the intake nurse took my blood pressure and pulse, found them kind of low, and asked if I was feeling okay, or was I just athletic, and I said "I'm a runner". And the point of this is: when did I cross the line from "I run" to "I'm a runner"? When I signed up for my first marathon? When I actually did it? When I signed up for my second marathon?

Also, when I got to Arisia, I almost immediately went into post-con crash, where I was like "I've worked so long and so hard for this, and now it's here, which means it's almost over, and I'm already missing parts of it, and I can't possibly Do It All, Aieeee!" Eventually I had drinks with friends, and got over that. But damn, that gets me every time.

Also at Arisia, I was(?) recruited(?) to do...something(?) for MidAmeriCon, the 2016 Worldcon in Kansas City. The first conversation was with Geri Sullivan, a graphic designer who I admire and respect infinitely, and whose approval of my work means more than you can possibly know. (And who will probably never do any design work for Arisia, alas.) But she introduced me to the co-div-head for KC, and we had a feeling out/bitch session during the crispy hours of Monday afternoon. Either nothing will come of it, or (more likely) I'll have more unpaid work. (The other co-DH is someone I worked with on the Montreal worldcon.) So, yay?

Tangentially, I've realized over the years that Worldcons may be bigger and more complicated than regionals like Arisia, but they don't necessarily do a better job of it. To begin with, each Worldcon is a one-off, so they don't always learn from their mistakes, despite having a substantial overlap of senior staff. Plus, they don't have their own stuff, whether it's Art Show framing and pegboard, or A/V equipment, or even Ops radios. At best, it's a pot-luck. At worst, everyone brought potato salad, and no one brought plates. Anyway, I was telling Keri about sending my first Souvenir Book to press, worried that I'd made a ConDigeo level of blunder [looking back, 10 years later, it's still a fine piece of work, thankyouverymuch], and she was bitching about LoneStarCon, which never settled on a single logo, but had two logos that were used haphazardly, depending on who was producing what piece. But she's got a style sheet for KC, which makes me very happy.

What else makes me happy? Relationships that somehow haven't exploded into fiery bits. Friends who somehow aren't dead yet. Parents who same. File under "Fail to Suck."